So about two weeks ago or so, I had Kota out at the barn to play some agility.  He was excited to be out and be there and gave me his usual snarl to say ‘let’s go!’ as we took off. I sent him into the tunnel and up the dogwalk. On the down side of the dog walk, he fell off to the right. Mildred, who was there with me, said he began holding up his left hind leg, just past halfway on the dog walk, so he must have lost his balance by the down ramp and that’s why he fell off.  I rushed over to him and he wouldn’t stand up. He wouldn’t even attempt to stand on his right leg, his initially bad leg.  When he did eventually stand up, he would not put any weight on the left leg at all.

The next day we took him to the vet and she diagnosed a torn ligament in his knee.  On Tuesday the 13th, we took him to Oregon State University teaching hospital to see their Orthopedic vet.  She confirmed the diagnosis, the xray showed a very unstable a knee and so Kota had surgery on the 14th.  We picked him up the 16th and brought home a very tired, very drugged and very much not-using-his-leg little man.

He slept most of the day on Friday and most of the evening as well. At bedtime we put him in the bedroom with access to just half the room and he banged around for a while with his cone of shame on until we tranq’d him so we too could sleep.  He did  not want to go into his crate today and has been vocal about the restriction. I did take him outside today while I iced his leg so he could have some free time.  In the x-pen he has his e-collar on to keep him from licking his leg.  We also increased the size of the pen so he can more easily turn around and I removed the big green bed because he had a hard time balancing on it. I did put in a folded crate pad and he has yet to lay on it, so I think he prefers the rug to a bed.  Not surprising as he has never been much on the cushy beds and has always preferred the floors.  Especially cool tile or wood floors.

I sure hope the next two weeks go by fast so we can eliminate the e-collar at least. He has 6 to 8 weeks of crate rest coming and the little punk is going to drive us batty, or he’s going to injure that leg again… we may have to sedate him for a long time in order to keep him from doing any damage to the knee.  He has yet to attempt to use it though… but I think that will take a day or two. It’s not a pretty site, the way he holds it, like it’s broken from the knee down almost.  *shudders*

Here he is on Friday, zonked out.

This is from when we first got him home. Notice the leg is not even touching the ground.

This is today, outside for a spell in the nice weather, icing his leg.

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So I’m in bed and just wanting to go to sleep and my brain has this thought, “according to all the doctors, neurologists, chiropractors and everyone else, I will NEVER be able to roll from flat on my back to my side without pain”. Some days that pain is a two and others it’s more like a 5 or 6, sometimes higher.

Imagine laying in bed. Warm under the covers. Dreading rolling to the side to adjust the soreness creeping into your butt from laying on it for more than two hours. That is my nightly ritual. To adjust involves pain, how fantastic is that?

Almost as great, I’m sure as trying to post from a friggin’ iPhone keypad! Nightly ramblings from me! Night all, hope your sleep is restful and pain free!

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There is a blog called Hyperbole and a Half. Her most recent blog post was titled Adventures in Depression. I can relate to that post. I have had many episodes over the years where I have found it physically difficult to *do* anything.  Today I am feeling down. Is it depression? I don’t think it’s full blown but it’s definitely a “feeling severely down” feeling.

I am sitting in my living room with music blaring on the radio and it’s upbeat and fun.  I find myself wanting to just let loose and dance. I like to dance. But when I get up and begin dancing and moving to the music, I get stabs of pain in my back.  Plus I told myself I was taking today off from anything more strenuous than my bike rides to and from work.  My back was pretty sore and troublesome on Saturday night and Sunday we took a 1.5 mile walk that was ok but I was sore at the end. I just need to be good tonight and not stress it too much.

And I hate it. Hate it with a vengeance.  My back has been the worst this past year than it has ever been.  Ever.  Two weeks lost this year to my back pain.  Two weeks of not doing much of anything.  That is not me, not who I am.  And now I must conform to this debilitating condition that I have to live with.

Kris has quit the dive shop. He and Scot decided it was too stressful and now he’s looking for a job. He has been the most upbeat and happy these last two weeks than he has been in a while and for that I am very thankful. I just hope he can find a job before too long.  I am not paying all of our combined bills but I am paying what I can.  We have a roof over our heads, thankfully a vehicle that is in pretty good shape and 3 mostly healthy, though aging dogs.  Dog help me if one of them gets sick and needs a surgery of some kind. My credit is about at it’s max and we would not be able to afford it.  Having to make that kind of decision would crush me.

So if you read this, send “find a job Kris” vibes our way.  Thanks.

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is an exhausting condition to live with. Not only do the drugs I take to try and make the pain less, make me really sleepy and fuzzy, but just the constant mind over matter about the pain is exhausting. And boring too.

Last Sunday I vacuumed the house. On Monday Kris and I started Couch to 5K and ran for a whole whopping 8 minutes. Then later, we picked up Fern, walked around the Japanese Gardens in Portland, went to the Cavalia show and spent a few hours in the car driving to and fro.  On Tuesday we went to the coast and walked on the beach and of course spent a few hours in the car driving there and back again. We swung by a really cool light show out in Newton, www.newtonlights.com I believe.

Wednesday morning I woke up with bad pain. I could hardly get my slippers on since I have to pull them on over my heel.  I did some gentle stretches but had a hard time getting down on the floor and back up again. I did take a shower, I was so determined to not let the pain stop me from going to work, but as I held onto the shower wall to try and step out of the tub, and then paused to catch my breath after holding it in through the pain, I decided I was being foolish and needed to rest.  I spent the day drugged and in bed.  Like clockwork, the pain meds would wear off and I’d get up, get a drink, take more meds and go back to sleep.

Thursday I managed to make it into to work.  I had to move slow and pause after standing from a sit, in order to let the muscle spasms subside.  It was not fun.  I was starting to feel a little better that night so Kris and I went to the Kaizer light show in a small neighborhood. Apparently that was a bad idea.  On Friday I made it to work but only lasted an hour before I realized there was no way I was going to be able to concentrate.  As soon as I turned off my Tens unit, the pain would come back full force and I had already taken a Tramadol which is the only drug I had that didn’t make me completely fuzzy.  So I called Kris and went home to spend another day in bed on drugs.  Saturday morning I got up and told Kris I needed to go see a doctor because the meds I had were not cutting down the pain and it wasn’t getting better.  So he took me to Urgent Care where I got two shots, one for pain and one as a muscle relaxant.  He also prescribed me an NSAID to help with the inflammation.  I did begin to feel better on Saturday afternoon and wasn’t spending as much time in bed but I still could not sit for any length of time without significant pain.

Sunday saw more improvement and we went to our friend’s house for Christmas dinner.  After a few hours of sitting all I wanted to do was go home and lie down.  That’s the only position that is comfortable and without significant pain.

I hate that I can’t be as active as I want to be.  I hate that I have pain and it’s both mentally and physically exhausting.  Not to mention very demotivating.  I always have to weigh the pain level versus the activity to decide if it’s worth that little bit of extra pain.  Which tends to lead to me sitting on the couch surfing Netflix trying to find something to watch. And if I’m laying flat on my back, even on the couch, it’s hard to view the computer screen to watch.  I know, I know, what a travesty right?  Well I don’t have many options and I hate it!

I WANT to be healthy. I WANT to go on hikes up mountain sides and I WANT to be a runner.  But I can’t.  At least not without facing the consequences afterwards.  I really wish there was something that could keep my back from spasming and seizing up on me.  As I sit here typing this, I have a strong throbbing pain in my left lower back. And according to all the doctors I’ve seen, there is no cure, there is no surgery that can help. I am doomed to live with pain FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. I’m only 36.  I’ve already lived with this for 12 years… and I have what, another 50 to go?  Fuck.

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Tonight Tasha and I played with our behaviors for Freestyle. We worked on several but not all. First up I set up the xpen for swish training. She is really getting this idea now and is eager to go in the pen with me. She will back up in half circles now with slight prompting but once she gets in front of me, she needs slightly more. We practiced both directions and at this time I am using the same cue for both directions.

We also practiced Paw and Hand. Putting raising of the left and right paws on cue is a precursor to doing this on cue when I raise my legs. I have started standing or half bending, because up until now I have either been sitting or kneeling on the floor.

We then moved on to Ports and Turns, spins left and right. She still needs help with Turn so I need to keep that in mind and work more on that.

Crawling is coming along too. I still have to prompt the down and use my hand but she no longer gets up when I say Crawl and she’ll do two “paces” at the crawl now.

We worked on Roll Over and Play Dead too. Then moved on to platform work. She is really good at these and loves the platforms! She is quite eager to play and I began tonight to not turn my head as much to indicate the side I want her on. So trying to transition to more verbal awareness instead of physical cues of where I’m looking. I used most of her dinner in one session tonight and she was eager to keep playing these games with me! This is the best she has ever done and her stamina for “playing” is growing which is great if we’re going to do a 2 minute routine!

I then played with Shadow. She still needs so much prompting! Legs, which is our weave the legs cue, still needs prompting and physical cues to get her started. I’m not sure where we went wrong with her on her shaping. She is the queen of ADD for dogs. She is so busy trying things she doesn’t stop on those things that work! Platform work for example. She is just now, after 5 sessions, beginning to just stand on the platform. Tasha had that part down in 2! If I move to the side to begin preparations for Heel and Side, she shifts off the platform and can’t get back on. I need to give her time to think but also need to do more proofing of the platform and build more value for being on it. If I am too far away with the cookie, she pops off the platform when I click. A frustrating challenge to work through.

Then I did some Roll Over and Play Dead work and the dog has to shift 20 times before laying down to do either behavior. So more work with just the down, then cue the RO or PD.

Then Kota. I found out tonight that he won’t Left (roll over going left) anymore. I think it’s because of his leg. Our last session before Thanksgiving, he was resistant to Lefts whereas Roll Overs are fine. Now he won’t do them at all. . He was still very eager to play games and threw out his Ports and Turns with ease, but Left, not anymore.

He gets the Legs cue though and he will still offer his Say Hi behavior. He’s also getting the platform work though I’m not asking him for a stand so he sits on it. Other than those we did a free shape with my shoe. I want to teach him to just stand in my shoes because I think it would be cute. And the little brainiac needs *something* to do!

I watched Susan Garret’s Stand Is Fun video tonight. This is a behavior that Tasha and I have struggled so mightily with. Susan’s demonstration will be tried tomorrow and since Tasha already knows a hand target, perhaps this will go better than everything else we’ve tried!

I also like what she said about games and how they need to be fun. If what you are trying isn’t working, break it down into smaller pieces that could be used to create the desired end behavior. This is what I’m trying to do with the swish behavior by teaching her a cue for backing around me. I spent an hour doing all these sessions tonight and had fun doing it!

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